“Don’t look so frightened
This is just a passing phase
One of my bad days
Would you like to watch TV?
Or get between the sheets?
Or contemplate the silent freeway?
Would you like something to eat?
Would you like to learn to fly?
Would you like to see me try?
Would you like to call the cops?
Do you think it’s time I stopped?
Why are you running away?”
Pink Floyd The Wall

No Turning Back

It is strange that I have only recently become so acutely aware of just how sarcastic the relationship between my father and myself is. In observing his behavior from a more mature perspective this past week or so, I can firmly say that he demonstrates some striking similarities in his sarcastic wit to myself. When I listen to how he articulates his humor, I feel a weird sense of familiarity despite the differences in subject matter. I also am keen enough to observe that many people, including myself, are guilty of dismissing some of his wit. I notice this because it is something about which I have been suspicious in my own life - people laughing not because they understand the humor, but because they are trying to appease you. I am concerned any time I recognize a similarity between myself and my father, and this has me re-examining where I esteemed myself intellectually and rhetorically.

In The Flesh

Today is Christmas. I celebrated it with only myself and my parents this morning. My parents purchased about ten gifts for me, even though I asked for nothing and would have preferred they donate the money they spent on those gifts to a charity, or purchased several toys to give to young children. I would have preferred this alternative because the happiness which I would receive from the presents would be much less than the happiness which others would have gotten had the alternative been implemented. Instead, I must waste several hours in the next few days refunding purchases and feeling bad for returning my parents’ gestures of kindness. For example, my father purchased a 26-inch LED HDTV for me which I do not want. I told him it was a glorified computer monitor and that if he was going to buy me a HDTV he should have bought me at least a 32-inch, but preferably larger screen. This behavior is selfish and ungrateful on my part, considering that I do desperately want an HDTV. I have been saving up money to buy myself a very nice HDTV in the future, but it would have been a pleasant surprise had my parents bought me a suitable one. So, this is how I think, this is my spiteful and irrational reasoning, and the reason why I am out of my fucking mind.

Frustrated (Sexually) Part IV

I tell myself that I am sustained by immaterial things, that the possessions of those around me are inconsequential. Yet somehow lately I find myself desirous of these burdensome comforts where I had not previously been. In my maturity am I growing to forsake the ideals of my youth? Do I truly not care anymore? Perhaps the fraudulent social comparisons are finally catching up with me and I am ashamed at the valuation discrepancies between my possessions and those of a large number of my peers. I do not want to be a materialistic or overly-indulgent person, but as this society progresses, I find myself entertaining thoughts I did not anticipate having.

Wish You Were Here

Thoughts continue to race through my mind regarding what I would like to disseminate over this blog. It has been over four months since I abandoned this website in order to put myself “closer to the action” and place less emphasis on my over-analytical mind. Much has changed in my life, yet much has stayed the same. I am on break from the university for some four weeks, during which time I would like to use this tool in order to transcribe my thoughts once again. As I have matured, I have spiraled even further into the pits of insanity, and I am quite surprised to have not be removed yet from society. There is no doubting how large of an effect the drugs have had on me, my thoughts stray further each day away from normalcy. I find myself rationalizing irrational behavior and thinking almost constantly, and I fear that the damage which has been done is neigh irreversible. I wish the situation was not as bleak as it appears, but I have enjoyed the ride to this point! I am truly on the cusp of adulthood, and it is only a matter of time before my parents come to visit me in a white-padded cell. Growing up in a time of extreme ailment for the human condition has predisposed me to a miserable existence, and I hope to either drop off the face of the Earth, or else face an immediate demise so that I may be spared the indignities of my future existence.

One of My Turns

It is my honest opinion that only a fool can remark that he has “no regrets” in his life. It is a human trait to analyze our experiences and draw new conclusions based upon our ever-increasing knowledge bank. When I examine the way I have chosen to live my life to this point, the directions I have followed, and the social interactions I have had, I am fortunate to be able to say that I do not have many regrets. I never lost a friendship I couldn’t bear to lose, made a mistake that cost myself or a loved one dearly, or missed out on a spectacular opportunity that left me jaded. There is one experience which I failed to have in my lifetime which I can see as being one of my biggest regrets for the rest of my life. Sadly, as is the nature of regret, there is nothing I can do about this. What is it that could capture the attention of my deranged mind? Bring a swell of emotion to my otherwise melancholy demeanor? I was never able to experience  what I choose to describe as “young love.” By the term “young love,” I mean to describe an adolescent relationship with the opposite gender emphasized with emotional attachment over physical stimulation. It does perplex me why I would be concerned over such a matter which I was readily exposed to during my youth, and the answer continues to elude me. At this point in my life, I believe that relationships are not necessary, but that at different stages of a person’s life, there may exist a compatible partner. What I mean by this is that a person could be madly in love with Person A during their twenties, fall for Person B in their thirties, and decide that Person C is the right fit in their fifties.

A consequence of my selectively-idealistic interpretation of my adolescence is that I associate young romance with a beauty that is irretrievable. I view the relationships which my peers entered into with jealousy. To be able to share such a tremendous era of one’s life with another person, I believe, offers a connection unlike any other. You will not forget your first love. (At least, this is what I choose to believe. Cognitive dissonance, much?) To be growing up with another person, sharing such wild experiences as driving for the first time, choosing a college or career path, etc. is something which I will never be able to empathize with. As I have grown older I have come to realize many of the experiences I have missed. This example is the most poignant in my mind, and is something which I have thought upon more than once.

So at the end of my life, thinking back upon the fortunes and miseries, friendships and rivalries, I would say that my biggest regret has been not experiencing young love. I blame myself. I blame my parents. I blame our society. To this day, this is the lie which makes me feel the worst and brings me the most shame. When I tell someone about my high school girlfriend, sometimes I can barely complete the sentences. Continuing with my personal growth and intellectual development, it is saddening to think about how I continue from here lacking one fleeting and mesmerizing memory.

Split/Mind

I am frightened at how a person as crazy as I am is able to exist in society. It shocks me how people react to truly insane behavior.

The Dark Side of the Moon

This will be my last post, at least for some time. I have been recording my thoughts on this website for over a year now, with remarkable consistency despite a few interruptions. Contained within these posts are the delusions of a mad man, the wild musings of a young boy, the unrealistic desires of a lustful soul, and the doubts of a heartbroken romantic. Upon reviewing my nearly ninety posts, I experienced great interest in seeing the evolution of my thinking from contemplative and inquiring, to hopelessly optimistic, reaching a bleak and cynical downward spiral culminating in insane ramblings. There is no question that reading these transcribed thoughts affords an unprecedented glimpse into the workings of my mind to which almost no one has been privy. Examining these wandering explorations of conscious and unconscious life will undoubtedly lead a person to the conclusion that I truly am a mad man. Interspersed with my thinking are poems, song lyrics, and quotations which strike me as particularly pleasant or profound.

What has been my motivation for recording these thoughts? Quite frankly, I have enjoyed mapping out the changes in my worldview and perceptions which have drawn me into the fine mess I have uncovered. The past thirteen months in which I have posted on this website chronicle a period of extraordinary self-development in my life. As I have transitioned from my late adolescence into early adulthood, I have faced new modes of thinking and perceptions which have all but erased the history of the boy I used to be. My passion for analyzing human behavior and the conditions I find myself in continues to burn strongly to this day. I have now entered into a period of my life in which I can no longer afford to keep a slow pace at facing challenges or give a situation time to resolve itself. The story of my life is that of a man caught between two worlds: one in which public scrutiny orders his behavior and personality, and another in which his most secretive thoughts and desires seek freedom from the prison of his mind. I have evolved from a pretentious, mischievous, and obnoxious young boy who drew the ire of his peers for his irreverent and obscene behavior, into a tormented young man unable to take control of his life.

I have pondered my sins, wallowed in my regrets, and tried to suffocate my self-consciousness in a variety of self-destructive manners. As I have matured and become aware of so much more about this world, my mind has grown darker and more cynical. In the pit of my depression I found within myself an undying love for humankind. I know now that all the feelings of anger and hatred I could ever have toward another human being are only a passionate swelling of the emotions which I have no control over. It sounds to extremely esoteric, but the reason I behave in such a volatile way is because I am simply unequipped to filter my emotions properly as others do. Over the course of these posts, I have discovered how many of my psychological issues are a result of the abnormal childhood I endured, and I am now better able to trace the implications and causes of my current behavior and thinking. My childhood was most definitely pleasant by the majority of standards; I never wanted for anything and I was shown a tremendous amount of love by my parents. However, I developed as an emotional hostage, unable to express myself in a healthy way because of the strict traditional upbringing I was given. Today, I am a man with little understanding of the emotions of others and am socially inept at establishing meaningful connections with others.

Just as I have realized how dangerously close I am to losing control of my mind, I am aware that the only thing that has been constant in my life has been my sense of humor. It is unique to me, it is my response to the desperate, tragic irony of life. And more than anything, it has served to disconnect me from my peers. For being such an intelligent person, I truly do not understand what it takes to have a meaningful relationship of any type with another human being. It has been a difficult path arriving at the acceptance of loneliness, and I have had to analyze many of my past relationships to understand that I am a person best left by himself. There is no happy ending to the story of my life.

Now, on the cusp of my third year at the University, I am all but lost in the sea of people, ideas, and conflicts which seems to cloud every thought held by my generation. I relish the opportunities I am given and the future which lies before me, yet I am terribly fearful of the confusion and uncertainty which awaits.

I find myself returning to the question over and over again: If you were crazy, would you know it? Would you recognize the breaks with reality, the abnormal thought process that isolates you from the rest of society? The truth is, there is no Dark Side of the Moon. Every person is crazy or abnormal in some way or another, it is only when we compare ourselves to others, to a nonviable standard of “normalcy” that we begin to dissect ourselves and find the problems within. I am a romantic and a dreamer. Increasingly in this new world it seems like these traits are likely to be exploited by others and shunned by society at large. In a time when we embrace conformity and reject individuality, is it possible for us to achieve our true potential as human beings? My answer is no, and that the only solution to this mess is to forgo the constraints of modern living and embrace a simpler, more humanitarian existence.

With all that said and done, I must conclude this final post. The time for writing and pondering the future is over. A new life is emerging, with incredible possibilities for manifesting a destiny we envision for ourselves, absent the influence of the media and government. The question which we all must face is: are we ready? If we choose to see how far the rabbit hole goes, can we stand it? Are we secure enough in our self-understanding, our connections with others, and our grip on reality to dive into the mess which is the human existence?

I have struggled with the knowledge that there is no “should” in this world, there is no fairness, and very little justice. The world does not obey the commands of any single man, we are each subject to the winds of change. Time is not real. Truth is not absolute. People are not forever. Life is transient. The Sun is eclipsed by the Moon. The mind of Rory Cullins is always shifting and adapting. These thoughts make up who I am at this very moment, but I will not always be in this very moment. As my thoughts change and time marches forward, my being will evolve. It is hope, frail and naive human hope, which keeps us alive. It is the end, are you laughing?

Don’t Talk Politics/Don’t Throw Stones

I have spent a gratuitous amount of time in my life being angry or feeling “hate” toward different objects. Whether it be directed at a situation, person, feeling, or  thought, nothing positive has ever come from me being angry. To the contrary, my irrational outbursts of anger have only served to isolate me further from my fellow human and from the world around me. I have said it before, and I’m sure many movies, books, and other works of art have expressed the message, but it really is a misappropriation of resources to be angry or to hate something. As an evolutionary adaptation, it is easy to see how anger and hate can serve our existence. When something provokes anger within, the individual experiences a desire for conflict, a rush of adrenaline ready to fuel a confrontation. However, we are no longer barbarians, we are civilized beings with our every want and need satisfied one way or another. It makes little sense, therefore, for us to rely upon anger to keep us alive or ready to fight when a situation arises. In our contemporary world, it divides us further, rather than uniting us around our shared humanity. I cannot continue clouding my thinking with anger towards other people because I would rather live a peaceful existence. I just end up hating myself even more.

“Remember when you were young, you shone like the Sun
Now there’s a look in your eyes, like black holes in the Sky
You were caught in the crossfire of childhood and Stardom
Blown on the steel Breeze
Come on you target for faraway Laughter
Come on you stranger, you legend, you martyr, and Shine!
You reached for the secret too soon, you cried for the Moon
Threatened by shadows at night, and exposed in the Light
Well you wore out your welcome with random Precision
Rode on the steel Breeze
Come one you raver, you seer of Visions
Come on you painter, you piper, you prisoner, and Shine!
Nobody knows where you are, how near or how Far
Pile on many more layers and I’ll be joining you There
And we’ll bask in the shadow of yesterday’s Triumph
Sail on the steel Breeze
Come on you boy child, you winner, you Loser
Come on you miner for truth and delusion and Shine!”
Pink Floyd (Wish You Were Here)
About Me